Mood:  chillin'

Sometimes I wonder if our house hates us. The temperatures this weekend were in the upper 80's and low 90's and thus the ambient temperature has been sharply higher than the last two weeks. Last night, our house decided that it was happy being warm and turned our air condictioning off. Yes, we are without air condictioning right now. It is 5:30am and has to be near 80 in our house. It was NOT fun trying to sleep. My poor baby, Matt, hardly got any sleep at all.

Oh, wow, the radio guy just announced it is supposed to be a record setting high of 98 degrees today. Great. Matt has decided to stay home from work and get the AC fixed. I have too many deadlines and crazy stuff at work that needs to be done for me to stay home. Right now, the front door is open, we have three box fans going and ceiling fans in all the rooms that have them working away. We just can't open "any" window, as most are so old, they don't open. As soon as it is light out, Matt's planning on opening the back door. It's 68 outside, so trying to get the cool morning air into our house until the HVAC people get here is our current priority.

It was a year ago today that I had to buy a new car because my old Pathfinder died. Now, it is the AC. Why does the month of May have these issues? We were so close to paying off the amount we borrowed from our savings for the car. I am really hoping it is merely something small and that we don't need to buy a new unit - cha-ching.

Mood:  bright

Yesterday (8/1/09) was a tremendously busy day! We started to tie dye the children's shirts around 10am and didn't finish until 5:30pm. We did 19 shirts, as 5 of the shirts that I had purchased for Deanna and Kayla and Debbie to tie dye when they were here and now Michelle's. Kyle did two long sleeve shirts and five short sleeve shirts. Michelle did two long sleeve shirts and ten short sleeve shirts. I have posted the photos on my Facebook photo album. I am really impressed the children's shirts came out so well.

We did a little thing different this time, we used RIT Fixative to keep the dye from running so much and we steamed the shirts - "cooked" them each for 15-20 minutes in my wok on a grill inside the wok. I think these two new processes will help keep the colors brighter and the dye from running and ruining the design as much. I have told the children that they need to wash the shirts in Woolite and to not dry them in a machine, but to line dry them. We'll see how they weather over the coming months.

Joey and Kaitlyn showed up tonight and we ran an adventure in Matt's world with the children. It was the second time we've done a D&D marathon run in the last month. Instead of playing to 4:20am like we did last time, we only played until 3:00am. That hour and twenty minutes does make a difference. Everything ran smoothly, although Joey lost his patience with Kaitlyn during one encounter when she could get the whole weapon speed and initative thing down to figure out how far ahead of the monsters she got to go and take actions. She's new at this and just needs time. Joey's been playing since he was knee high to a grasshopper (that's 5 years old) to you and me, so it is in his blood how to figure armor class and initative and attacks and THAC0 adjustments. Kaitlyn is sure trying hard. She has read the Players Handbook from cover to cover at least once and is trying to do it again after each time we play so she can gather all she has learned and apply it. The hard thing is Joey and Matt have modified the basic rules for combat in their own worlds...like allowing someone to Dodge at half their Dexterity, or a Luck roll to save someone from loosing their weapon when they fumble, etc. All that isn't in the basic 2ns Edition Players Handbook, it is in their own handbooks (Matt's is a Black DM folder he created) for their worlds.

We are going to be playing in my world next Saturday, August 8th - so I have got to come up with a good finish for the Cult of Umbra adventure I created. Should be evil and fun.

Mood:  spacey

Finally - we closed Projects and Grants today and thus are able to start reconciling the financial system. I was at work until 9:20pm and then I had to drive home and eat dinner. It was exhausting.

Last minute journal entries to move millions of dollars around so everything would properly balance in the right places and jive with what the big mucky-mucks wanted meant 4.5 hours of overtime for me just today!

Still, now I can begin to run all the crap the auditors need for starting their field work on August 17. Oh, if I can only hang on a little bit longer!

Mood:  hug me

I don’t feel good. It’s 4 am and I can’t breathe. My nasal passages are clogged and my throat hurts. I don’t know what to do. Sleeping isn’t happening right now for me. I’m tired, but I just can’t sleep because when I lie down all the junk in my sinuses runs to one side of my head – or at least it feels that way. My ears are ‘itchy’ and hurt with this dull pain. On top of all that, I continue to spot even though my period should be WAY passed over. Is it a combination of having a cold and stress? I don’t know. Why am I out of Nyquil now? I haven’t felt good in DAYS!

No sleep and being sick SUCKS. Whine, bitch, moan...I hate this.

Mood:  hug me

I awoke to a nightmare of my husband’s ex-wife manipulating us in front of the children who didn’t have a clue what she was doing was wrong. It scared the crap out of me and I was startled awake shaking. That was about an hour ago and I don’t think I will be going back to bed anytime soon.

So, I made some toast to help me feel better. Did I mention I was sick? I started to get a sore throat on 4^th of July and it has turned into a stuffy nose, a nasty post-nasal drip, coughing up phlegm, and crackling and popping ears. Sleeping has been rough. Thank the powers for Tylenol Severe Cold & Sinus and Nyquil. That combo is the only thing allowing me to get sleep at the moment.

Life isn’t all peachy for Matt right now either. He went golfing with Tony yesterday and came home lobster red. I told him to wear sun block and he didn’t. He acknowledged I was right. He is in extreme pain at the moment. He sprays something akin to Solarcane on his burn, but that isn’t helping much. I have offered to slice potatoes real thin to apply to his burn, but he says he’s tried that before and it doesn’t work. Perhaps it is time to go get some aloe vera. Too bad my aloe plant is at work and not here.

The jewelry from Peru arrived yesterday. It is beautiful. Here is one of the necklaces we received. The circles are NOT as big as they appear. The dealer must have used a small white stand to display this necklace. Most people I showed the pictures to thought the stones were huge and I tried to explain to them that – no – things in pictures online are often not as big as they look. There are going to be some surprised people when I show them the stock. Everything is very wearable and beautiful. This picture is of a necklace with three pink circles of rose quartz, with two smaller earrings (one on either side) which are also circles. We didn’t get the oval shaped bracelet shown in the picture; we got a circle shaped one that matches the necklace and earrings. I like the circle bracelet better anyway.

I am listening to another great eBay find right now. I got "John Denver's Greatest Hits" album for like $ 1.99 plus shipping, which came to like a grand total of $4.98, which I think is just great! I also bought "Skeletons from the Closet Greatest Hits" album for the Grateful Dead for $ .99 plus shipping, which came to a total of $3.98. Amazon.com sells the Grateful Dead CD for $11.98 and John Denver's CD for $7.97. I would have had to pay shipping on those two CDs because the order wouldn't have made it to $25 for free shipping AND I would have had to pay sales tax too. SO, I saved a minimum of $10.99 going through eBay. I still want to find "An Evening with John Denver" which is a two CD set. I love that album. I played it to death when I was a child. Did you know that I just adore John Denver? Yep. When he died I was so incredibly sad. The world lost a great man that day. I still tear up when I listen to his music and think of all that he did to help others.

Oh well, now I am feeling slightly somber. Perhaps I should just go back to bed and call it a day even though it is only 9:30am?

Mood:  down

Ancestry.com is the place I have been hanging out lately, especially with everyone seeming to drop dead lately. I just updated my Aunt Ardith’s information. It’s hard to deal with right now, and I know I need to, but I just can’t seem to get it out yet.

Matt’s father, Ed, sent me a package of family history. It has been daunting to say the least to figure out what everything means and where it goes. It is double sided whereas the original was not, so it’s very hard to follow. I’ve stapled it so it is in better order now, more like a book. Anyway, now that I figured out what was causing the issue and how it was organized, I have been inputting the data into the family tree. WOW – it is a lot of information.

Matt was sitting next to me while I was laughing and inputting information. He asked why I was laughing and I told him he had over seven relatives with the name Thomas somewhere in their name – first or middle. He sighed. Before I started researching his family, he had thought that only he and his father (he didn’t think about the fact that his father is really a Jr.) had the name Thomas, so he gave his son Kyle the middle name Thomas. Now he thinks he should have named him something other than Thomas. It’s just funny to think about. I told him not to worry, it was the same with Joseph and John or Elizabeth in my family. AND – I had wanted to name a son after my father – good grief another Joseph John! Well – we made a firm pact that our children are going to have oddball names that don’t relate to anything in our family. Granted weren’t going to pull a Nicholas Cage and name our son Kal-El or a Bruce & Demi and name the poor children Rumer, Scout, and Tallulah Belle – no, nothing that bad.

We’ve deceived on Xander Dane for a boys name – that’s for sure. I suggested Christopher William and he stared at me and said no – no Christopher Robbins for us! I of course still like Boinaiv or Zyriam for girls names along with Allegra and Corrine, but Matt’s not too sure about girls names. I really want a name that has meaning or significance to us culturally and familiarly. I have been looking for something to connect me with my various cultures. Here is a brief list of names and their meanings that I like:

Boinaiv – Shoshone Indian name meaning Grass Maiden (was Sacajawea’s name before she was kidnapped and enslaved by the Mandan people)

Aušrine – Lithuanian in origin, it is the name of the Morning Star, the name of the Lithuanian goddess of the morning.

Anayis – Armenian in origin, meaning Chaste

Allegra – Itlaian for happy or jaunty.

Kiara or Kyara – Italian for clear or bright

Leontyne – Italian for Lion – also after a very famous Soprano Leontyne Price

Reyna – Spanish for Pure and Clean. It is also a variation of Matt’s grandmother and great-grandmother’s name Rena.

I think Reyna Anayis Robbins is a pretty sounding name.

Now, don’t go getting excited. I am not pregnant. I am just musing about family names and whatnot. It’s mostly because of all the dealings I have had with family lately. I called both my grandmother and my great aunt Mary Ann on Saturday and spoke with them at length, as well as speaking to my mother a good long time.

Family – wow – I didn’t think I would let them in or let them get to me, but boy, they really have, you know. I moved to Kansas and put a good 2,000 miles between us hoping that with physical distance would come emotional distance because they have caused me a great deal of pain and worry over the years. That just isn’t so though. Now, it just hard to attend the memorial services, funerals, and celebrations – so I am just absent. I sent flowers for my great aunt Mary Ann’s 90^th birthday. I am of course going to send flowers for Ardith’s memorial service. They are planning on having it on what would have been her 90^th birthday – a celebration of her life. I think I’ll send the same type of white rose bushes I sent to Matt’s grandmother’s birthday. Perhaps if Jeffery and Nancy have Aunt Ardith cremated they can bury the ashes with the rose bushes and they’ll always have a little bit of her in those blossoms. I think white was one of her favorite colors. She always seemed to wear white, ivory or cream. White roses would certainly remind me of her. I wonder what Jeff and Nancy will think.

Mood:  hug me

Mellow songs are on my mind at the moment “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” and “Ripple”. I just had to hear them so I popped on to YouTube and found them. I am watching a video of Grateful Dead in 1980 at Radio City Music Hall on Halloween. This is just so cool. They are all sitting very close together and it is such a small venue so very intimate – what a cool video.

Anyway – I am tired but not ready for bed yet. It was a long and productive day. Tomorrow I have to bust out the salary spreads for Linda. Sandy was supposed to tell me they were ready when she told everyone else at 3:30pm, but she didn’t. I had to find out from Ronda at 4:30, which is right before going home. Oh well, I’ll just have to do them like crazy tomorrow.

Matt’s sick and I am borderline. We both have headaches and are mildly to strongly achy and queasy. He feels worse than I do, bad enough that he stayed home today. When I got home with his requested greasy fries from Bionic Burger he was asleep.

He got up and we watched a NetFlix DVD of Kevin Smith doing Q and A in England. It was funny, but his night in Toronto was better. The Brits are a wee bit reserved and didn’t clap after he ended his stories like the Canadians did. It kind of made it less fun that way – I don’t know. Now I can drop this in the mail and we can get the next DVD on the list.

Matt just said he’s not sure he’s going into work tomorrow if he feels this bad again. I can totally agree with him, but I have to go I have deadlines coming out my *bleep* .Oh the joys of being an adult.

Mood:  rushed

I am so utterly tired I don't even know where to start.

My arthritus is acting up with its typical fall weather flare. My right index finger and right knee have been hurting on and off most of the day.

I had pizza for dinner and I think it has given me heartburn, because I haven't felt right since I've eaten it.

My back definately needs to be aligned and Matt's probably going to have a doozie of a time cracking it tonight. Ahhhhh - just had Matt crack my back and I feel worlds better.

I am really looking forward to having some time off. Matt is picking up the kids on Thursday night after the parent teacher conference and I will have a four day weekend home with them. Then I go back to work for two days, and have six days off in a row for Shurree's visit and my birthday.

It has been utterly hectic at work between the A-133 Single Audit and the preparation of the Statistical Section of the Adopted Budget Book - not to mention the rest of my duties. I don't know how I am going to finish everything and suspect that I am going to do a lot of work at home and not tell anyone. I'll put together some of the items I need to get out to my budget managers and send those off via email as well as work on other things. It's a shame I can't work from home on the financial system or I might just get more done in the peace and quite of my home rather than the constant interruptions of the office.

I got paid two Fridays ago, so this Friday is payday. On my last paycheck I had 30 days of vacation time and 38 days of sick time accrued. Can you believe that? I have 68 days off - in the bank, so to speak. Well, I am cashing in six days this month - big whoopie right? Even if I take six days off this month and the proposed time off at Christmas (all of two maybe three days) I'll still be earning vacation time as well!

I had originally started saving up time for possible maternity leave. I don't know when or if I will ever need that. With my days off, I would have 13 weeks off with full pay. Yes - THIRTEEN WEEKS OFF. Now, I also work for a school district which means that all the typical school holidays I have off as well. If I were to have the child anywhere in the fall or winter, just image the extra days off like Veterans Day, Thanksgiving Break, Christmas and New Years, and Martin Luther King Jr. Day. That about nine more days off. That's nearly a full 15 weeks off with pay - over three months. Would I go crazy at home with a baby all that time - who knows? Perhaps I would ease back into it and start back two, then three, then four days a week until I am back at full time so the baby could adjust. But why am I even speculating about this? I haven't a clue. I'm not pregnant and couldn't imagine being pregnant right now with all the stress at work. Besides which I'd like to be less than half the weight I am right now, and until we get the roof fixed and I know how much that is going to cost I can't spend the savings I have set aside yet. Oh I have a tredmill all picked out and I can't wait to start walking on it. When I did that kind of thing the last six months I was at the Tribal office, I started loosing a fair amount of weight. I moved to Kansas and put all that back on and more.

So - tredmill is first, then loosing weight, and THEN we'll see about a baby.

Geez, I turn thirty-five (35) in less than two weeks. Matt's starting to feel old and here I am rambling about a baby! Are we too old to be thinking about this? Are we nuts? Is it financially sound?

Most people I know say that you are never financially ready to have a child. Cheryl at work says just do it - I'll regret it if I don't - have a baby that is. Matt's made mention of hiring someone to carry the baby so I don't have to slow down at work or worry about the stress on my body to have a child. My response to that is - if I can't bother being pregnant what right do I have to be a mother? Sorry - too busy to carry the baby inside me for nine months - just can't do it - I'll outsource it to some young college chick who needs the tuition money. No. I don't think so. So much of the baby's health stems from what was given to it in the womb, and what is a mother child bonding without the womb experience? I don't know, so I can't judge that, but my mother is closer to me than my adopted brother by far.

Oh geez - why am I thinking about this - it always depresses me. After the miscarriage just talking about kids makes me feel like I want to throw up. I feel so utterly responsible for it - and I can't help but blame my work environment - the stress and workload a the time was unreal.

I told a group of people today when someone asked how I was doing, that I felt like I was on a roller coaster, experiencing the highs and lows, the excitement and the fear, and that at this moment - I am white knuckling it for all it's worth. They laughed thinking I was witty and humorous. I was dead serious. I can't keep this up much longer.

Vacation, vacation, where fore art thou vacation?

I feel utterly over-worked as do other co-workers in my department. I can't continue to toss and turn over this and not sleep. Once the Adopted Budget Book and Audit are done...I get to start salary spreads - wee - a wonderful monthly joy about as fun as your period and the cramps that go with it from what I have heard from my co-worker who has done them previously. Yes, I have inherited them from someone else who couldn't handle working full time anymore and dumped them and went back to part-time. The part-time person that was hired to take on her left over duties - HASN'T - and I was given her salary spreads. I am not pleased, but I have to do them no matter if I like them or not. It's a job - it's called that because you work. It's not called 'fun time for Ali'. They pay me - I am a tool and nothing more. Get the work accomplished and here is your paycheck - yeah - that's it. That's why I go there every day. Complaining about it won't make it better.

Tuesday's staff meeting made me want to cry. We are being overwhelmed with stuff that needs to be collected for the budget book. We haven't even finished the 2007-08 book and we are already starting on 2008-09. Two months ago I was finally feeling like I had my work in hand, like I had everything under control. Work was nice and I liked my job. Now - I am hating it and I loathe going every day. Wellllll - it's not that bad - that's hyperbole. I do not appreciate being asked to do what I feel is other people's work AND I feel that the new girl who was hired to take over some of my responsibilities isn't - just plain isn't. She was instructed to get with me on the Stat section. I have brought it up twice, but she hasn't come to collect it. So F*#^ it, I am still working on it, because, I will probably get it done before she comes to collect it. Whatever! I didn't ask to have it assigned to her. I was told that she was going to have it assigned to her. It still hasn't happened, and that doesn't extend its due date, does it? It's still due. Anyway - I get dragged into more worthless meetings where I have to repeat myself over and over - ARG!

I swear to god, today's meeting on the GL interface from PeopleSoft touched on the same topics we have been talking about for three years now. You know what the result of this lovely blackhole of meeting was? Nothing. The consultants said that we really couldn't change our processes because of the customizations done to PeopleSoft. Yep. Two and a half hours they bugged me last Wednesday, and then, for another two hours this morning. For what? NOTHING. NOTHING - abso-fucking-lutely nothing got accomplished. AND when I did bring up the things that really need to be addressed - they said that the topic I was touching upon was really something that should be discussed with a different group of people than was present - get this - AT ANOTHER MEETING! Why dear God Almighty why? Please Lord, give me the strength and the patience to carry on in the face of these indignities of which I am forced to suffer. Then I had to endure another meeting this afternoon for an hour and a half at which the meeting from the morning was brought up. OY!

I am tried. I am stressed out. I want to cry to the heavens for release from the pressures that are about me, but I don't think it will help.

I don't want someone to suggest that I need Prozac or some other messed up 'happy pill'. I shouldn't have to medicate myself and retreat into false horomones to get through my GD workday. I am expected to do more and more work in less amount of time (since I now have meetings I must attend weekly) and I feel as if I ask for my workload to be reduced I am somehow 1) letting my boss down, 2) complaining when everyone else is overworked as well, and 3) stirring a boiling pot on the verge of exploding because my upper boss doesn't think we in the budgeting department work hard at all.

LOOK at my time off. I have WEEKS - SIX WEEKS of vacation coming to me. What does that tell you? It means I haven't been able to take time away from my job. Why? Because nobody is willing to really take the time and learn what I do so that my job can be done in my absense. Why do I think this is important? Because - someone needs to learn how to do my job so I can take an extended vacation and really REALLY rest. I don't want to go away a few days and come back to a desk piled up, an email box full, and all my work that wasn't done while I was gone waiting for me. I don't want that. I loose all of the relaxation I gained by being off coming back to a cluster fuck like that. It happens every time I go away. I come back to some mess that they just shove into some account and write me a note that I'll just have to journal entry it to the right place when I get back. What the fuck is up with that? That's so not right. All my work didn't get done and now I have more on top of it.

Every fall when the audit and budget book are due, I start thinking about leaving and getting another job. I seriously look and then I resolve myself to stick it out for the sake of the benefits. I couldn't get benefits like I have at the school district anywhere else. I'd also have to start at the bottome of the ladder and do I really want to do that. Not that I am ever going to get anywhere in the school district with the present climate and administration. Not unless I became a size 7, cut my hair, began wearing make-up, and being a self-obsessed uber-snob only concerned about what people think of my outside shell. Okay - that was venting. I am tired of being judged by the clothing I wear - OR SHOES - or my lack of make-up or my long hair. I don't want to be a conformist. I like who I am, but apparently that doesn't matter. I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. It's so petty that these women sit in meetings and actually talk about my shoes. Well, thank you wealthy women who make more than twice what I do - I can't afford forty different pairs of leather shoes in every damn color and heel height. My feet are large, with stubby toes and I have a swelling issue with my ankles. I can't wear the shoes that they wear and I don't want to. I've been there and done that. Why should a person who sits behind a desk all day be concerned about their footwear? Oh, yes world. The upper management has made comments about my clothing and my footwear. I spend about $1000 a year on clothing. That's what my budget can bear. I get the biggest bang for my buck. I don't buy $125 dollar suits that require dry cleaning. I am cotton, machine wash and dry woman.

Okay - now I am just out and out bitching about the inequities I find at work every day.

I feel that because Ronda was friendly to me, that she has to come down twice as hard on me to make it look like she isn't playing favorites. Two other co-workers were nearing debit on their vacation and sick time, and instead of bitching them out or pointing it out directly to them or whatever - I was dragged into it. YES! "Alison you need to watch your sick and vacation time." Excuse me? Didn't I say earlier in this blog that I have 13 WEEKS - 68 days of time off unused?!

I am just so tired of all the load that is being placed upon me. I really feel like it is over and above everyone else's loads that they carry. I am weary. I feel used unfairly, and I feel there is no place to go to register a complaint about it since it is my bosses who are asking this of me.

Mood:  hungry

Complain, complain, whine, whine, blah, blah, blah -

Okay, now that I have gotten THAT out of my system.

It is 6:30 am as I begin typing this journal and I have been up for an hour. Yes, ravenous readers ready to digest the spew of my soul. What? Ick that was gross. Let's start again -

It is early. I went to bed late. I am tired. Fuzzy is my brain. My sentences are Hemmingway short. *screeching brakes*

Here it is and I am not awake, yet I am compelled to do something since going back to bed and facing the nightmare that woke me up isn't an option right now. It was awful. I guess with all the stuff that has been going on with Matt's parents and his youngest sister right now, it was inevidable that I would dream about something like this. My nightmare was about a very disobedient version of Michelle who attempted to hit me. She did hit me several times in the dream. Very hard and all the while cursing me and her father and God and everything. It was SO not Michelle, just some nightmare horror version of her. What scared the living shit out of me and made me get up get dressed, go to the bathroom and fear to go back to bed is...I lost it. My temper that is. I was so angry at this nightmare Michelle that after about the fifth time she slapped me and called me bitch and told her father to F*ck Off, I hauled back my arm, clenched my fist and punched her square in the face knocking her off her feet and sending her flying a good two or three yards. I knocked her out cold. And then, I looked at my fist in disbelief - anger gone - looked at a splayed out Michelle, out like a boxing match loser, quiet at last, and felt a sense of satisfaction that shocked me. I looked up and there was Matt, standing there frozen glaring hatred at me. That's when I woke up feeling like I had to puke and pee at the same time.

That's why I don't think I can go back to bed. See, I haven't really lost my temper in a long time. Sure. I have been angry. I have hollered and screamed. I have plotted revenge upon people and been gruff and angry. Hell, I've stomped around and slammed things, but I haven't hit another human being - really hit them in 18 years. *sigh* It takes a tremendously huge reason for me to really contemplate purposefully punching another person. That just is not me. I am not a bully and loathe senseless violence on the whole. 

The last time I purposefully hit someone was Jack Leach, my financee in October 1991. We were tickling each other (more he was tickling me) and talking about some serious stuff. I know; tickling and talking serious. I guess that was his way of putting me in a more receptive mood. Well, we stopped the tickling and the talking got rather intense. He then actually told me this story:

When he was in Germany in the Army after we had gotten engaged, he cheated on me. Not much of a story is it? Well it gets better.

Not only did he cheat on me with this woman who was also in the Army, but he got her pregnant. His time was up in the military and he was supposed to be coming home to me and we were supposed to get married. Instead, as this now pregnant mistress was still in the military and was being reassigned to Mississippi and was leaving Germany, Jack decided that instead of coming back to California to be with me, or paying to have an abortion of this child, he would re-enlist in the military, and marry this woman!

So, he sent his mother a letter telling her he was re-enlisting. He never contacted me at all. He and his buddy from Georgia went out shopping and bought this pregnant mistress an engagement ring. Meanwhile, back in the states I was still waiting for my engagement ring although we'd been engaged six months already.

Jack and this woman leave Germany, move on base in Mississippi and start living together. He sets up a home with her, starts making a baby room with furniture, everything. Spends his cash he got when he left the army on her and everything needed for the baby. Yet - they haven't gotten married yet. She starts to go out drinking without him and spending his money. He starts getting jealous, upset, and worried for the baby. This all happens within about four months of the letter he sends his mother. Finally, Jack tells this woman that he will not have her drinking and hurting the baby, seeing as she was four or five months along. She responds with, "Why do you care, it isn't yours anyway!"

Well, Jack said that he came to his senses and decided to come home to me. He left all of his possessions with her in Mississippi except a few things and his clothing. The $200 collectable art book I bought him for his birthday, his stero, everything. He did remember to bring a few personal items, such as a picture of this whore and the wedding set he bought for THEM.

When he got back he re-proposed to me and gave me HER ring. I didn't know this at the time. It was tight and I could hardly wear it. I felt awful because I thought that perhaps I had gained weight and my fingers were fat. Jack indeed told me that he thought I had gained too much weight and that I needed to loose it. He also started to have second thoughts about getting married - this was all before he told me the story I just related.

Well, I found the picture of this whore in his bag when I was looking for a pair of socks. He still hadn't fully unpacked since he had only been back in town for about two weeks and the place where he and his mother were staying didn't have any real furniture in Jack's room yet. I confronted him about this picture of him and this woman in his bag and that's when he told me that he cheated on my with her and that she was the reason that he was re-enlisting, about the baby, everything I just related - even about the ring I was wearing right that second.

I snapped. I lost it completely. I saw red like I can't even describe. I used my right elbow and as hard as I could I jabbed Jack in the temple - yes, the side of his head. He went down and stayed there for a while. I nearly kicked him in the crotch, but deciding against that I went down stairs, told Della what he said to me, and called my mother to come get me. I kept the ring, sold the gold but kept the diamond. It is now in Matt's wedding ring - HA!

But - that was the last time I ever struck a person. The last time I let my emotions get the better of me. Ten years with an mentally abusive husband and I never struck him. Even thinking of hitting a person brings almost instant tears to me eyes - really. Spanking a small child on the rump is very different - that's discipline and is nothing like what I am talking about. Discipline is controlled and never done in anger or rage.

Me hitting Jack was 'a woman scorned' kind of rage that I have only experienced like that once in my entire life. It frightened me that I could have killed him. In my anger when I elbowed his temple, I could have seriously injured or killed him. Even though he surely deserved a little pain for all of the pain he was putting me through - never - ever - do you do that to another human being.

Well - in this nightmare I experienced a kind of rage at Michelle I haven't felt since Jack. Nearly twenty years people. I can't remember exactly what Michelle had done - it was something about not only hurting Kyle and breaking stuff in the house, it was the slapping me several times, yelling at me, being disrespectful to her father, all that and more. It was so absolutely angering that I snapped. The red haze was there - out of nowhere. And I was satisfied when she was knocked out! That and Matt's look on his face was utterly frightening. Thank goodness it was just a nightmare, but eek, what does that mean for what could possibly be lurking in my subconscious?

It's 7:12 am and I am exhausted-tired and hungry. I am going to get something to eat and drown this icky feeling in Coca Cola sans the rum - besides - the rum is gone, remember.

Mood:  down

I am so incredibly tired I don't know even where to begin.

Last night I actually went to bed before 9:30 and I THINK I fell asleep before 10pm BUT I know I tossed and turned throughout the night. I woke up to go to the bathroom at like 3:15 am and have been up ever since. Not fun in the least.

I don't know what the deal is. Is our bed too small? I certainly feel I cannot stretch out and am confined to a small place. I want my elbows and knees out at angles that just seem to collide with Matt's elbows and knees. My back is killing me. I feel stiff and achy, totally unrested like I didn't even sleep. Do we need a new bed? I've considered a sleep number bed.

Anyway, I couldn't take laying there anymore not sleeping so I got up and hopefully when Matt gets up to go to work, I can go lay back down and sleep another hour if that's possible. What I really want to do is take a sleeping pill and call into work and tell them my brain is fried and I need to sleep.

I really CAN'T do that though as the tension at work is THICK to say the least. The proposed budget book is due to the printers first thing in the morning and my office furniture still needs to be put together. I'll be wearing my grubbies today to put the rest of the furniture together and move my things out of Ronda's office. What a totally clusterf**ck that was!

Perhaps I just have too much on my mind for me to sleep?

There is a lot going on, none of it bad, just a lot going on.

1. We are in the middle of refinancing the house. Application and appraisal fee are in, and the company is processing our paperwork.
2. We've hired a new girl at work and I am supposed to train her how to do my job so she'll be my backup. This is important because I'd like to take an interruption free vacation for once in five years. Don't misunderstand me - I've gone on Spring Break when district offices are closed and nobody is working and have been uninterrupted. But unless I am more than 2,000 miles away and without a phone (like the Delaware trip in 2004) I have been called on every single vacation I have ever taken to answer questions and fix something at work. That's not right and not fair, and it pisses me off.
3. The kids are going to Matt's parents for two weeks next weekend. I need to get their sizes and have them pick out clothing for school before they leave. They get back three days before school starts which doesn't leave much time.

Matt just got up...I am going back to bed.

Well, here it is 6:19 am. I went back to bed for an hour if that before the alarm went off. I've taken a shower, had a few mini breakfast quiches (the ones the size of large marbles) and now I am drinking ice water. Showered, fed, watered...I just need to think about what else I need to get done today.

1. Take a check to Cessna Credit Union.
2. Remember to take the electric screw driver and hammer to work so I can finish putting my furniture together at work.
3. Need to mail my Aunt Mary Ann's book back to her
4. Go to Bank of America at lunch today and close our CD so we have money to pay escrow closing fees. MAJORLY IMPORTANT!!!

My foggy brain can't think of much more that I need to do. Geesh!

Okay...time to get ready and leave.